the idea of longing & thinking about longing came to mind in january. i was listening to a woman from my church chat about how, no matter what season of life you’re in, you’re always longing for something. when you’re in high school, you’re longing for college. when you’re in college, you’re longing for the freedom of post-grad life. when you’re single, you’re longing for connection & partnership in a spouse. when you’re trying to get pregnant, you’re longing for a family. this concept wasn’t new to me, but it was a convicting reminder to do a heart check to reflect on what i am longing for.
i think to my core, contentment has been something that i’ve always struggled with. looking back at old journals, i was praying that the lord would give me contentment in my season of life when i was 15. maybe this is very ~enneagram 7~ of me, but i have always struggled with want & feeling limited. i am constantly dreaming & looking forward to the next thing — the next job, the next season, the next trip.
im always wanting something. im wanting situations to change, im wanting friendships to grow deeper, im wanting a more oragnized aesthetic pantry, im wanting to lose weight. i could name a million things that i want. want has become invasive in my life. it feels like a dangerous weed in my garden that i constantly need to pick before it poisons everything else growing. in january of 2024, i did my first ever social media fast & i was amazed at how my want drastically decreased. i hadnt realized how much instagram was impacting my want — every reel i watched was an ad for something that was missing in my life that would make my life better. i felt peace & contentment from being off instagram. thankfully, social media fasts have become a habit of mine. but the wrestle with contentment is still there. when will enough actually be enough?
on psalm 23
due to some prompting throughout december, in january i decided to spend a good chunk of this year reading & meditating on the psalms. to kick off the year, i picked the comforting passage of psalm 23. i spent the month of january reading the passage daily. i went line by line & prayed each part of the verse over myself.
"the lord is my shepherd; i have all that i need.
he lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. he renews my strength. he guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name.
even when i walk through the darkest valley, i will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.
your rod & your staff protect and comfort me.
you prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. you honor me by anointing my head with oil.
my cup overflows with blessings. surely your goodness & unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, & i will live in the house of the lord forever."
Psalm 23, NLT
the richness of this psalm was such a comfort & a true joy to read every single day. as february arrived, i was planning to transition to a new psalm. but as the beginning of the month got busy, i was distracted & reading romans 8 with my bible study. & then a wave a of grief crashed. a very dear friend of mine passed away unexpectedly & in a heartbreaking situation. in the midst of grief like i have never experienced before, i needed something to cling to that was familiar & comforting. the lord kept bringing me back to psalm 23.
it feel like i spent a lot of february in the valley & i have just been clinging to the hope that is in this passage. i believe that it’s in god's kindness that i spent the whole month of january meditating on & praying through psalm 23 because he knew it would be a great source of comfort in the midst of grief. how kind of our god to prepare my heart in that way.
here are some things from psalm 23 that stood out to me as i meditated on it:
“the lord is my shepherd; i have all that i need.”
this is probably one of the most convicting & comforting passages for me in all of scripture. in the midst of my wanting, im reminded that there is nothing more that i could need because christ is enough. he is all that i need. there is not instagram ad or amazon influencer that can tell me what i need, because my contentment is found in christ.
“he lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. he renews my strength.”
what a comfort it is that jesus offers this to us. he wants us to rest in green meadows, he wants to lead us beside peaceful streams, he wants to renew our strength. the very heart of christ is that he is gentle & lowly. when the world is weighing down heavily on us, he offers us reprieve & rest.
“even when i walk through the darkest valley, i will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.”
being in a dark valley of grief, this was a rich comfort to me. while i walk through the valley, i have hope that i will not stay in the valley. & i do not have to fear! the god of the universe, who walked in the garden & created my inmost being, is close beside me. he gives me strength & confidence that god will overcome.
"surely your goodness & unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, & i will live in the house of the lord forever."
these verses are sweet promise. god's goodness & his unfailing love pursue us. in the midst of our sin & disobedience, he pursues us. & because of our belief in him, we are promised life in the house of the lord forever. i pray that this is our heart's greatest longing — to dwell with christ forever.
on wanting & longing
part of my grieving process involved a deep ache to reunite with my friend in eternity. it was after my friend’s death that i realized i was not longing for eternity. my mind had been so fixed on the things of earth (often good things like a healthy marriage & a fruitful ministry) that i hadn’t even considered longing for eternity. i was so blinded by the things of the world, that longing for eternity wasn’t even a consideration for me.
the last line of psalm 23 is an anchor for what right longing looks like. right longing is desiring to dwell with christ in eternity forever. that is what every part of my soul longs after. it might think that it longs after a more ideal job situation or to be financially comfortable or to have a home that’s beautiful & comforting. but that’s all disordered longing — my heart truly longs after christ & to be with him. longing isn’t a problem that needs to be fixed, longing itself isn’t a sin. because of sin our longing has become disordered & needs to be harnessed to propel us towards christ.
as i said above, recognizing that christ is enough is incredibly convicting for me. to know & believe that because christ is my shepherd, there is truly nothing else i could ever need, is convicting & challenging. there is nothing in this world that can fill me or satisfy me like christ can. i could search the entire world & try a million things, but nothing will give me the satisfaction that christ can.
one unhealthy tendency that comes with not believing that christ is enough is believing the lie that i can do it on my own & that i am independent. when i let my want for things of this world to control me, i seek to become independent & control my own life & outcomes. which often leads to disappointment & discouragement when things inevitably don’t go my way.
strahan coleman, an author that i really enjoy, says this about dependence: “in god the trinity we see a community of being inseparably united in love to one another, & it’s into that other-dependency that humanity is invited to participate. dependence isn’t weakness, it’s holiness… the goal of the christian life isn’t to become more self-sufficient using the teaching jesus gave us, but to become more joyfully & tenderly dependent.”
this is in no way a guide on how to stop longing & wanting (i actually think you should very much so keep longing & wanting, but just longing & wanting the right things) & these are very much so things that im still working through & wrestling with on the daily. my prayer, almost daily, has been “lord, help me” & i pray that over you too.